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Original story" The Forotten Realm" Prologue

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Joined: 05 Oct 2005
Posts: 28
Location: British columbia

PostPosted: Sat Jan 16, 2010 7:07 pm    Post subject: Original story" The Forotten Realm" Prologue Reply with quote

Hey everyone. I'm actually here to get some constructive criticism on a book I'm writing.

It's almost 180,000 words--which I am trying to cut down some. I started this a long time ago, and I am now in the process of re-writing it. So I would love to see an outsider’s point of view, since I always miss things when reading my own stuff.

I really like how the story is unfolding, and I do like this beginning. I’m unsure if maybe there is not enough description, or if there is too much of one thing and not enough of something else...I did not give too much away since this is the prologue, and I'm just trying to hook the reader. I know there's somebody out there that might point out something that I might not see! I would love some constructive criticism!! I would love to know if this intrigued you...

Content Advisory

Mild language and later have some sexual innuendos.

Teron was a world where demons and humans roamed the earth together abiding by each other's rules. Then the first apocalypse came; the demons won the war, taking over the conurbation.

Frightened that soon they too would be captured, the gods found a way to fix it. A sacrifice was made, and a warrior was born.

The woman’s stare was hypnotizing to almost all beings, throughout the universe. She was strong, vicious—even deadly to the enemy when attacked off guard.

Evil seeped through her veins, appearing sharply through her shadowy, depression-inducing eyes. All enemies feared her, and she mused at her power. She could search the souls of her enemies, using their fears against them—torturing them.

Her power protected her, sheltered her from things unknown. Only the Beholder could take her Immortality- and kill her.


Icy-blue eyes peered through the tainted glass; dry cracked hands shook nervously at the red flames scorching the terrain. A frown appeared across the scorned woman's face, holding back the tears that were forming; she leaned in, her lips brushing the boy's earlobe.

“I promise we will find a way out, you will get what you deserve.” Brushing her chapped lips over his cheek, she stood up off the bed and crept to the window, sliding it up she slipped through the small space.

Her head snapped sideways, her dark gaze glancing once more to the boy.

“Be safe my love” She whispered, and disappearing into the night.

Her ardent gaze looked up towards the sky. The red and orange clouds covered every inch of the sky above her. A dejected look crossed her face and her head turned back to her home. Sighing in contempt, she turned right down the small, winding road.

What was to come for them? Would they find the place they had been looking for, could they leave this hellhole forever? Even if they could not find the home of the chosen one, anything was better than Teron.
Falon stopped briefly at the fork in the road, leading in two different directions, both dangerous and in separate dimensions; she glanced quickly behind her before turning down the narrow pathway to the right.

A prophecy had been found by her friends in a cave on the outskirts of this forest. It was said that the Ancient one and her companion would be bonded on the next, full moon and that the child born from the two would die and the scorned will rave havoc against the world, destroying everything in its way.

She hoped after meeting with the Mecan demon, that she would get the information she needed and be able to leave Teron forever. She knew that before she could leave, she needed to enter the forbidden forest and the rumours she heard were not good. The last person, who was seen entering, came back as an abundance of ashes.

There were whispers of the forgotten realm, and Ariel was intrigued to find out; jumping out of her thoughts, her hearing picked up and her gaze caught two Slough Demons. They spoke softly in a different language, she crept closer not understanding what they were saying.

Large raindrops poured from the sky. A peculiar stench filled her nose. The demons in front of her chanted loudly, a loud cry of an adolescent boy echoed through the forest, and a large steal case fell from the sky, smacking loudly against the ground.

The demons scurried quickly around the box, unlocking the steel chains around it. The woman's eyes widen. A devilishly attractive and naked man fell out, falling to the cold ground.

In front of her, she heard a twig snap, echoing through the dark forest. Her gaze caught the two demons ahead of her, and a young, red-haired girl off in the distance. Her nose twitched as the scent of a human drifted before her, and she found him, naked lying beside a large branch, in front of a steel box. She watched the demons talk amongst themselves, once in a while glancing and pointing to the stranger.

Falon squinted towards the young woman, creeping closer. She noticed a powerful aura coming off of her.

Her left foot caught a tree branch in front of her, and she fell making a large, smacking sound as she hit the ground. Her eyes tightly shut, and she winced in pain.

She hissed angrily, what has come over me lately. I can barely walk two feet without falling on my face, or running into something. I must be cursed!

She was about to get up when she noticed the two demons now standing in front of her, their swords pointed at her head.

“Oh shit!”

"What is it about her that's so intriguing? The way she looks at me… makes me quiver. She makes me feel so alive...Fuck, I don't want to feel alive, I just want to kill, feed and watch the pathetic humans squeal as I torture them.~ Angelus~ Lost Souls"
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Joined: 06 Jun 2005
Posts: 2476
Location: Australia

PostPosted: Mon Jan 18, 2010 5:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi, Lea, just read your prologue.

Good for you, writing an original tale.

My thoughts?

A warrior is born...and then you give us a woman in the next sentence who has evil running through her veins. Is this the warrior? I thought so at first but now I'm not sure. Is the warrior the Beholder? Perhaps you should mention that when you tell us a warrior is born. If you want to keep the warrior's name secret, good, don't tell us. Or if not the Beholder, who is the Beholder?

I'm confused about Ariel and Falon. It's not really clear, who is who. Is she the scorned woman (and how was she scorned, or do you mean she is an outcast?) leaving her son behind, or is she someone else, happening by?

And this Falon, she needs a new paragraph, a space or a line between, to seperate the two scenes. The same goes when, I presume, Ariel, is walking in the forest and is peering at the demons and Falon is racing towards her. I had to read that twice before I understood.

I would like to read this again if you decide to make things a little clearer.

Do not be discouraged. I think you deserve a lot of encouragement. You asked for constructive criticsm and I hope that I've helped.
"Been playing a little Ahab."
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