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Black books R- Adult stuff.. kiddies dont look

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Joined: 13 May 2005
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PostPosted: Wed May 18, 2005 10:30 pm    Post subject: Black books R- Adult stuff.. kiddies dont look Reply with quote

This was the first FanFic i ever wrote. Black books being one of my all time fave sitcoms, i liked the relationship between Fran and Bernard who neevr got together in the show at all.

Theres been many slash fics written about Manny and Bernard, but i prefer Fran and Bernard.


Characters belong to Dylan Moran

Time Ticks……….

by Anon.


“Men” Fran cursed aloud, aware that people were staring at her as she headed home from another disastrous date.

”They always seem to be nice at first then you realise just how…how self centred and arsey and.. A word that has yet to be created to describe just how arsey and self centred men are and that’s what he was, OR IS SHALL I SAY!”

Fran felt better after her rant at people in the street and realised she was by the Norfolk Arms, she smiled her feet always seemed to lead her here. The one place she felt safe and could be herself, inside held the only two men who accepted her for what she was…even if one was a bastard and the other a bit odd.


Fran rapped on the dirty windows, Bernard answered with a rare smirk.

”Your earlier than usual how did you cock this date up?” He had a evil way with words.

”I was fine” she objected she walked in and flumped on the couch

“He however seemed to me to be psychotically indisposed” Fran pulled a face at Bernard

”Are you sure its not you and your pedantic views about my men folk that cocked up the date then?

”NO he was self centred and. arsey”

Bernard pulled a bottle from behind a stack of books…

Fran recoiled in horror, her stomach flipped! “NO BERNARD OHH NO NOT ABSIYNTH”

Bernard’s eyes twinkled “come on FRAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!”

Bernard wasn’t about to let Fran forget Howard’s voice, a man shed been attracted to, when in actual fact Bernard was sure he had a cheese grater stuck in his throat and sound in pain!

Bernard grinned ”It’ll be fran-tastic”

Fran gave in to the bubbles of laughter raising up her body, his impression was uncanny although slightly odd in an Irish lilt! She held the absinth at arms length and accepted this was her fate.

”Manny can you…” Fran looked around bewildered “Bernard where’s Manny?”

Bernard scowled “oh he’s staying at roweeeeeeeeenas”

Fran frowned ”Please stop saying her name like that, I don’t know why you don’t like her, she’s very nice I’m surprised you’ve let him out actually”

”Well I’m not his dad am I?” Bernard’s false laugh was detectable. Fran stared at him then clicked. ”He’s just left hasn’t he?”

Bernard’s face changed to anger

”10 MINUTES BEFORE YOU CAME!!!!!…………I should ring him where’s the phone”

Bernard scooted over on his chair to the desk but Fran grabbed his leg, he dragged her too but she refused to move and pulled back sending him flying into the centre table and off his chair, Fran laughed as books flew everywhere and Bernard growled.

”leave him be” She poured him a drink. “Besides you cant call him. you broke his mobile phone”

Bernard snatched his glass and shouted ”SO HE WOULDN’T LEAVE”


By now Fran was feeling tipsy, she took her jacket off and threw it at Bernard as she headed to the bathroom!


Fran turned back and Bernard was covered in absinth he was jumping up and down

“That’s bloody cold” he moaned, the sheer sight of him soaked because of her sent Fran into peals of laughter, she had to cross her legs and lean against the door frame, laughing she said “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to……..” But already needing the toilet Fran was sure she was going to wet herself she couldn’t stop laughing so ran up the stairs. After her trip to the ladies she peeked into Manny's room. She heard Bernard call from the room next to Manny’s.

”You wont like it in there its too clean…I cant find a clean bloody shirt”

”You’ve never worn a clean shirt in your life Bernard” she called back then tip toed over to his room.
Fran peeked around the door, what she saw made her heart thud, amidst the takeaways and crusty socks was Bernard, and he had a very nice body, why had she never noticed that before? As he hunted around for a shirt his muscled flexed she liked that. Imagining herself running her fingers down his chest made her notice the line of hair that spanned from his belly button to below his belt, a stairway to heaven she thought and giggled…

Fran came to and realised Bernard now had a grubby shirt on and was staring at her, she then realised she was thinking very inappropriate thoughts about a very old friend and began to blush, but even as she came to she still had the same thought scorched in her mind, she was undressing him with her eyes, she knew she shouldn’t but he was now walking toward her, she couldn’t think straight…..

Bernard slowly walked toward Fran, he’d never seen her looking at him like this before, she seemed focused and engaged, he’d never particularly looked at her in a sexual way before, shed always been there as a friend, she’d always seemed off limits in his mind. But the way she looked tonight, the way she was looking at him was driving him wild her whole face seemed lit and magical, her body leaning against the door had never seemed to sleek and elegant, she looked so incredible he felt himself responding to her and he hadn’t even touched her yet, he was glad he had baggy trousers on. Slowly walking toward her, savouring every second she was looking at him like that. he came face to face with her. Would this ruin the friendship, should he do what his brain and heart was screaming at him to do? What if she knocked him back? He could smell her, every one of his sense’ were tingling as he moved his lips toward hers …

Fran watched him, his eyes seemed confused like he was fighting with something inside. Suddenly and without warning he laid a gentle kiss upon her forehead, he kissed her nose and then stayed on her lips. It was firm and delicious, her groans began to mingle with his as she felt her body come alive next to his, yet she knew this could ruin their friendship, and that wasn’t fair on herself or Manny, because she couldn’t control herself for one night, she steppe backwards, he tried to follow but she pushed him back.

”I’m ….I’m sorry Bernard…I what about us..…I cant just. No”

Tears welled in her eyes she felt so stupid, she stared into his eyes her already brimming made his seem so much bigger, like two stars had clashed and Bernard was created, but the stars shone through his eyes. His eyes gave away the hurt he was feeling right now they felt like beams tearing her soul, he lifted her hand and kissed it.

”Goodnight Fran”

He closed his door.


Fran knew that she had made a very very grave mistake; she walked back downstairs and poured herself a generous drink. Bernard never opened up and showed emotion, and the emotion she’d seen in those eyes told her she should have opened the door and spoke to him, like any adult would have, but no she came down here to drink. Wracked with guilt Fran looked about the shop. Bernard was one of a kind, she knew he’d be loyal and faithful, caring and even clean if she asked him, he didn’t flirt with women or act like a arsehole well not al the time anyway, he didn’t share his emotions freely she knew he’d been hurt in the past, knowing this made her overwhelmed by the emotion shed just been soaked in by him. Fran wanted him, but would hate to hurt him, she had no idea what to do.

Recalling the way Bernard had been with her in the past, he’d always gave her money, compliments, made her laugh, made her cry and for a bastard that wasn’t too bad, but why did she only see him in this light tonight?

Trembling she made her way up the stairs, pressed her ear to his door and slowly opened it.
He looked so small in his double bed, the moonlight from the window fell upon him, making him look magical, and sexier than she could have imagined. Carefully so as not to wake him she crept onto the bed. Half his face dipped in shadow, he looked mysterious and dangerous at the same time, Fran, thought about that view of him and decided she liked it.

Inside she was torn as to what to do next……why hadn’t he let her know how he felt in a less shocking way than just kissing her? Hand shaking she brushed back his hair, and lay next to him, he let out a deep sigh and rolled on his back, she looked upon his bare chest and stroked it with her hand, she daringly leaned over him and lightly kissed his lips as she did Bernard opened his eyes.

Bernard had never been woken in a better way, he grabbed her and swung her on her back, his face was deadly serious but Fran could see laughter in his eyes, he’d never been able to cover those eyes and she prayed he never would, for they were her favourite view, like two huge dark pools of thought and emotion. .As she looked upon him she wanted to dive into his eyes and never resurface, As Bernard he moved toward her the light bounced off his eyes making those stars within dance, he kissed her, more urgently than before like he was hungry, she responded as she did before, she gripped his back and let the pleasure roll over her, she never wanted it to end.

Bernard was very tender lover, while caressing her, he took her clothes of gently kissing every part he unwrapped, him putting her own pleasure before his made her want him even more… She grabbed him firmly pulled him toward her… she saw hit eyes lit up with pleasure and she arched her back as he entered her.


As a blue moon beamed through the window and fell on Fran’s eyes she awoke, turning to look at Bernard she watched him sleep, his chest rising and falling as she lay beside it , her heart feel in time with his breathing and her body shook. Suddenly realised she loved him. In a way she always had…he’d always been there to laugh and joke and fight with and now she’d experienced the physical side of his love she never wanted to leave him again. Fran climbed on top of him and lay across the length of his body, brushing her fingers through his hair she admired his face, he stirred but didn’t wake, she kissed his eyelids and then dozed off again hugging him fiercely.

9.30 am

Sunlight blinded Fran as she opened her eyes, she groaned and tried to open her eyes. Reaching out she realised Bernard wasn’t there, feeling slightly exposed she pulled the blanket round her and made her way downstairs, he was sat at the table, he looked up and then back down.

“Are you ok?” he asked he looked concerned, Confused Fran filled the kettle

“I’m fine never better what’s up with you?” Although she knew straight away he regretted last night, she could feel her heart breaking down, it seemed an eternity before he answered.

”Nothing……. well I mean you know, I guess you wont be round her anymore, Ill bet your pretty pissed off at me, I’m sorry about last night if you feel shit now and all but I mean I …… I don want you to hate me or be annoyed…and ”

Fran flung her arms around his neck, the walked around him kneeled on the floor in front of him, staring at his eyes, she could see how he felt she just wished he’d show it in other ways. “Bernard I don’t regret a thing, and ……. I want to be with you I know that now, I should have known it from the minute we met, but were good friends now aren’t we and last night was so special to me……….”

Bernard flung the chair and kneeled down in front of her, dragging her into a hug

”Ohh Fran” He moaned ”I didn’t mean to be off, I just needed to know, I cant stand another rejection in 24 hours especially not from somebody I care about as much as you”

They kissed passionately, then intrigued Fran pulled back “Who else has rejected you recently?”

Bernard looked at the floor and feigned sadness ”Well Manny’s spun off and left me!”

Fran’s laughter was contagious,

“FOR ONE NIGHT!” She yelled

“Hey I’m hurt by Manny,” he giggled “but I can’t stand to be hurt by you,” he lay his head on her shoulder. Fran’s heart exploded, and between kisses Fran explained she wanted him now and tomorrow and the next day………..she could have gone on and on but he had scooped her up in the blanket and wad carrying her upstairs, and who was she to complain?


Bernard lay awake Fran wrapped in his arms, snoring softly beside him.
Was this feeling contentment?
He wasn’t sure but he sure felt fucking happy, he kissed the back of Fran’s neck and wove his body round hers.

That was how Manny found them……… and he was worried Bernard would be lonely; with a smile he closed the door and set about opening the shop.

“You're *not* friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood...blood screaming inside you to work its will.”
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